Only I

By Olivia Gray    

     It wasn't until I read this article that I remembered the history class I took transferring to GWU starting my International Affairs Education. Power was the main focus of the entire semester and the need for someone to have power over someone else became the beginning of the world social structure. I realized that throughout time, as I went back in the history of the humans and communities past that I have already learned about, different groups that were categorized by a major "otherness" were deemed as the subordinates of the power-hierarchy which human communal social interaction created. The focus was on skin color, religion or spirituality, money, or some other factor at seems to repeatedly be whatever the community is conditioned upon. Power. That word hasn't really consciously stuck in my mind but this article has revealed how true and deeply engraved that word is on the fabric of my ego. 

 

    Power. This word, this 5 letter word connected to only an idea, has shaped my entire existence without me even knowing about it. The power of my parents, the power I can have over my life, the power of color, sex, money, words. The power of convincing. The power to create and wield power. 

    

    Over the years since this class I have been tired and just like Kendrick starting to grow old and hateful of the world around me after a deep depression of believing in the told inability to affect the change I wanted to.  Woman, sex, men, catcalling, power play - all of these words have affected my being and the happiness of my soul.  Those words have held the power of the iron fist moving my face muscles to scold at the unjust unequal and obviously ridiculous affairs of modern human social interaction.  What the fuck was going on, you know? I would fall deeply in love - keeping to this whole honesty thing, it really wasn't hat deep and it wasn't really love - giving away my power to negotiate my body or my worth.  

 

    Here’s what I’ve become aware of in myself; I’m sophisticated in intelligence and understanding. I'm an artist, an actor, that has and can use(d) her entire being to bring a room full of people to tears.  I have been groomed for the political and upper class sphere around the influencers of policy living right next to their door steps.  I have been allotted the opportunity of educational, economic, and social engagements of the "upper classes" of society.  I can live, understand, and communicate the complexities of the modern formed human life.  And I give away my worth..... My love... my intelligence to a society that doesn't respect or even know my power…, …, ? 

 

    What the hell have I been doing all of these years bragging about the Chloe shoes I have or the hundreds of apple products I've been through in my life time.  What the fuck was I thinking focusing on my body for the satisfaction of others instead of the health of myself.  Who the fuck am I and where the hell did I go???  I was angry and hurt at the world because of my emotional availability and connectedness to the foundations of human nature which is so lost in this world, in so much decay, and amid so much misunderstanding.  

 

    In thinking on my given circumstances and who I am no wonder I have finally connected all of the major dots after reading this article.  I am not your bitch.  I'm not your mami.  I am not your hoe.  I am not your girl.  I am not cute.  I am not your baby.  I am not your woman.  I am not your actor.  I am not your educated young black girl.  I am not your cute little black girl.  I am not pretty.  I am not ugly.  I am not a lesbian.  I am not a heterosexual.  I am not black.   I am not white.  I am not Irish.  I am not Native American.  I am not a curly girl.  I am not an American.  I am not your wife.  I am not your bae.  I am not a twerk machine.  I am not an academic. I am not anything you call me to be. 

 

    LETS BE CLEAR.  I am NOT a damn thing YOU want me to be, and I DONT CARE who it is that wants me to be something.  

 

I am me.

 

 

If your still trying to label what me is, there was a space before the statement, a period at the end of the statement, and another two spaces after that statement.

 

I AM ME.

 

 

Now that's the same exact thing in caps above, just in case you didn't get it the first time.  Which you most likely didn’t.  So for …everyone actually, stay tuned.  You’ll catch up in a couple hundred years (hopefully sooner.)